Self-love

 self-love

Being born as an only child to my parents, having no neighbour of your age and living far away from your loved ones, this is my story of how I managed to survive my childhood. Hi myself Annaya and I am twenty years old . My mother and father live far away from each other such that only once in a year we reunite. They had very little time for me. I understand maintaining a social life and job in a 21st century is the biggest deal. And this is the main reason that ruined my childhood life. But as an adult I think it made me closer to myself. Growing up alone with uncaring babysitters was not so easy for me.  None of them cares about me, the only point of their concern was my parent’s money. They even abused me when I was only  a baby who cried. This has a great effect on my social behaviour. Still I can't talk to any strangers and feel difficult in communicating and handling situations with people.  My parents know about the harsh behaviour the babysitter does to a  minor like me. But they were too helpless for it. When I grew a little older my parents fired all the cruel babysitters. But this is not how I lived in sadness. I found my happiness in watching tv , writing , drawing , dancing, singing, making things etc. They were my only friends I had then and even still I consider them as my only friend. I made my imaginary fairyland where I play , dance , sing etc. Obviously the only two members that exist in my imaginary world were me and an invisible inaudible friend.  And still I live in that world. Somehow I found interest in myself only. But it was purely a survival instinct of mine.  I was totally unaware of the whole world that lay before me. When I was four and my parents first took me to school, I felt I was in a heaven full of kids of my age with whom I could  play. I wondered why those kids ever cried on their first day at school. But unfortunately it didn’t happen the way I thought. One day  an aggressive kid was trying to beat a kid with a glass bottle. It was a leisure period. Few kids were present in the classroom. I was quietly sitting near a window site to watch others playing in the ground. I didn’t remember when the aggressive kid chased me and I began to run. In Fact all the kids that were present in the room quietly left the classroom and only three of us were present. I still remember the glass bottle coming towards me flying in the mid air. I tried to hide under a desk but everything black out for me. It was five days later when my ears started to bleed and I began to hear nothing. I became deaf. It was my parents inquiry when the truth came to light. The school tried to hide that the kid actually damaged my eardrum with the glass bottle. They hide the truth for almost a month, fearing if they say the truth to my parents the school would be brought to closure. My parents took me to another school. They didn't complain to the police because of our financial crisis. My ear problem reminds with me. My parents did their best to cure me. I was lucky enough that I was very young and my ear drum almost repaired itself with some medical care. But still I cannot detect sound like whispering. After that very scary incident I dare not to make any friends in future and remain as far from people I could. That affected a lot at my teen age. Sitting alone on the bench watching others enjoy with each other was painful for me. I too tried being in friendship. But everything was fruitless. No one was interested in me. No one paid no importance to me. I was like an outdated  alien for them. But my quest for being in friendship increased and I started faking myself. I abandoned my childhood friend and accepted others' style and interest. But still I am as unimportant for them as I was before. This led me to the feeling of insecurities. I started to understand whether I remain myself or their way, I am only ruining my peace. Everyone loves each other only for a sack. There was no true love and feelings. I was too scared when I was a child to explore the world and that led me to lose myself in this selfish world as a teen. I went into depression. Crying under  beds that no one loves and cares about. The only difference in me now as an adult is I still feel no one loves me and cares for me but now I don't cry , I laugh in silence. I made friends that are far  better than humans. More precisely apart from humans, the whole world is very beautiful and wonderful like me.

By r. choudhury